A child

On a walk I took a few weeks ago something happened that has stayed on my mind.

Let me start with the day before the event.  It started out like a pretty average day.  Doing my usual routine for a Sunday.  I had this nagging feeling that something was missing though.  Went to church.  Prayed. Kept busy. I finally identified it as a feeling that I wanted to be with somebody.  Even before my accident I had been accustomed to living alone so this feeling was a bit unusual.  I thought of going over to some friends house or one of my kids and just hanging out.  But for everyone I thought of I knew that wasn't the person I wanted to be with at the moment.  By the end of the day I was feeling fairly miserable and frustrated.  Then I realized God was missing!  I knew in my head he wasn't but I could feel my isolation.  I also knew it was just a feeling and it would pass and the promises of God never fail.  But it was a real and unpleasant experience.  I actually felt somewhat better when I realized what the feeling was and went to bed expecting everything to be back to normal the next day.

The next day I felt somewhat better and started on my morning walk.  This has been a very consistent time to hear from God.  I wasn't hearing much but I could tell he was with me.  It's like the professor walks into the lecture room and says nothing.  So I walked and waited.  It was very cold that morning and I was bundled up well and felt comfortable.

My mind was off somewhere looking at the huge trees in the area when a small boy suddenly runs past.  He was at a dead RUN.  Flat out.  Then I noticed he was dressed kind of strangely.  Even though it was cold he only had a thin t-shirt and knit pants.  He did have shoes on.  I thought, 'that's a weird running outfit'.  But you never know what kids will wear these days.  I would guess he was about six years old.  Kind of young to be out for a training run.

He keeps up his pace for another block and turns the corner.  About a half block past the corner he stops and yells something.  OK.  He's chasing his dog or something.

In the back of my head something felt wrong.  I immediately thought 'Hope nothings wrong', whistling past the grave yard. 

He turned and was walking back to me.  As I got closer to him I could see the look of absolute terror on his face.  He said very chokingly, "My dad drove off and left me alone at home.  I think he was mad at me".  It was the sheer terror of abandonment.  He was chasing his dad's car down the street.

I managed to say something trying to comfort him.  We walked back toward his house and planned on calling his dad's cell phone.

I had heard of this trick a few days before.  The pastor at my church related on how her father would drive off and go around the block if the kids took too long getting ready.  

Sure enough, his father was back at the house.  He thanked me and we talked about how frantic the holidays get.

I knew there were several things God was saying to me in this. 

The first was that He NEVER adandons us.

The second was a glimpse into some of the pain and destruction I was responsible for in my life.  I went through a messy divorce where I basically emotionally adandoned my four children.  I knew God was showing me the pain that was in their hearts when they realized I was gone.  I didn't have the guts to see it then so God was showing me now.  It was awful.  But I could also feel God's love and kindness in showing me this.

The third is that Jesus experienced this pain first hand.  That separation may be what ultimately killed him.  Not the nails, beatings, thorns or spear.

Fourth:  We are all carrying around in us that terrified child.  We've learned to hide it really well as we 'grow up'.  We learned all kinds of elaborate defenses to conceal that we're really just a scared little kid.  We experienced the pain of rejection, abandonment, helplessness, inferiority, in our families, schools, friends, and work. 

And we've all been on the victimizers side as well.  This is one of the defenses.  Somehow we feel better about being rejected if we can reject someone.  We choose not to associate with the 'uncool' kids at school.  We don't want to be seen with the kids who dress in funky clothes.  We don't want to be friends with the kid who can't speak right. 

All our defenses are counter productive in the long run.  They seal off the vulnerable child.  We pretend to be self-sufficient adults. We shut ourselves off from the love of God.  I mean 'What if He rejects me'?  Everything in my life experience shows me that when you're vulnerable to WILL get hurt.  In my heart I know He SHOULD reject me.  So why should I want to open myself up to that risk? 

It is a risk.
 
You won't know until you ask.